#excerpt from a book i want to write

[livingitupwell]

He smiled at her like she was his world. She looked at him like his eyes were the ocean and she was ready to drown. They looked at each other with an intensity which people didn’t believe in. It was the kind of love that was worth crossing oceans for. It was the sense of home that was rare to find. It was the kind of love that was secretly communicated with eyes and smiles. The world blurred and all they saw was each other.

-excerpt from a love story I may write

[writingthethoughtsaway]

“When I told you I’d love you forever, I really underestimated how long forever was going to be without you.”

- S. C. C.

[tendermimi]

meriem evangeline, from carnivorous lamb

[amateur-scribbler]

I want you to hate me. Because I truly love proving myself right.

I love satisfying the sick whispers of self loathing and controlling the narrative of how this love will end, in time.

Because I know how to hurt you and sometimes I do it without even trying, I’ve got this bitter guilt and this ever-quick poisonous bite.

I am not loveable or cute or the girl everyone wants to fawn over, I am the girl people compare to hurricanes because it’s a promise that I will destroy everything in sight.

It’s an imposter, a facade, some type of trick of the light, this version of me you love has never aligned with the one that whispers harsh truths to me late at night.

No, I’m not her, and I don’t deserve any of your love, because given the chance I’m still that sharp tongued snake always ready to poison the ones who take a selfless step in the murky waters to try to hold my head above.

So I’ll push you so far away, to the point that you stop understanding why you ever even contemplated fighting to stay.

Because honestly, I truly love being right.

Letting you think I’m a monster means you’re finally meeting the dark voice who’s been whispering words of hatred to me every night.

The self fulfilling prophecy - t.k.o

[soul-struck]

my dad was talking about how love is a ghost. it slips under door frames, lies forgotten in the attic, leaves the windows open for the breeze to blow in and scatter the papers on your desk. love is a storm, it's what haunts you at night. he said that love is a ghost we chase our whole lives.

my mom said that love is a garden you water everyday. you can poison it, or grow it with love and sunlight. there will be disasters that uproot your garden, but just like the patience with which you wait for plants to grow, you have to let your love grow back like apple blossoms after a winter storm.

maybe the most important question you can ever ask someone is, "what do you think love is?" because understanding is instrumental to love. you have to love someone in their language, you have to fight for someone who thinks that love is won after a hard battle, and you have to wipe away the blood of someone who thinks that love is a sword held by its blade.

[heartoflesh]

You weren't my first love. But you were my first real love. It hurts that much because I thought this was it for me. I thought you were my end and my beginning. I thought that I could finally lean into it. You were the first person I imagined life with. We made promises that I intended to keep. Yes, it hurts that much because it was you and me and it was real.

Excerpts from a book I'll never write, William

[worthless-misery]

I've felt this way for as long as I can remember.

Whatever "childhood" I had was... Full of fear and self-hatred. Loneliness and insecurities.

I've accepted this pain as a part of who I am.

I am no longer capable of imagining myself without this suffering. Those days have been long gone for a while now.

Me without pain is... Not me.

Pain is a part of me. No healing or coping could ever change that.

I wish I knew who I could be without it... But I'm afraid even the mere thought of this is dead.

I have always felt this pain. And I will live with this pain for as long as I'm awake.

[m00n-pr1sm]

Amy Dunne Character Analysis

Disclaimer

This analysis will be of Amy’s character from both the book and the movie, although the 2014 movie adaption takes greater precedence with only some additional details and quotes included from the book as it does delve deeper into Amy’s psyche and add further characterization. Thus some traits may be accentuated further than they are in the movie, not being completely faithful to either story. It’s an analysis of Amy in her totality across mediums, of course being entirely my opinion. There are of course adaptational differences but I will not include the major ones from the books (ex. her relationship with Hillary Hand). This is an analysis focusing primarily on Amy’s neuroses she demonstrates and the childhood links to them, it doesn’t cover in-depth the events nor themes of Gone Girl.

Amy Elliott Dunne, the ever enigmatic dual protagonist- antagonist of Gone Girl is one of the most iconic female villains in modern memory, and one of the paragons of the “good for her” trope in media, is, frankly, one of my favorite characters of all time. As such I have been dying to write a full analysis examining her neuroses and characterization. Beneath the cultural perception of just another “crazy psycho” for girls to claim “she did no wrong” or “she just like me fr!”, lies a fascinating character who is masterfully written and developed by Gillian Flynn, as well as perfectly portrayed by Rosamund Pike. Amy Dunne is a character with a deep, complex psychology that I will do my best to thoroughly explore in this analysis.

From Amy’s childhood we first see the emergence of a literal high ego ideal, Amazing Amy. Of course this is the children’s book series created by her parents with a fictionalized version of Amy being the eponymous protagonist. This was a version of herself that rectified her own personal failures. Amazing Amy became a prodigy at cello, when Amy quit at 10, Amazing Amy made varsity volleyball, Amy got cut freshman year. Even in the (at time) final book in the series, Amazing Amy got married, a task Amy had not yet done. The entire book series revolved around Amy always making the most virtuous, the most selfless, the most perfect decisions.

>”With me, regular, flawed, real Amy, jealous, as always, of the golden child.”

An interesting detail in the book that is omitted from the movie is Marybeth’s numerous miscarriages and stillbirths (which totaled 7). All of these girls were named Hope, until Amy was born. Amy expresses her jealousy towards them, as they were always seen as perfect without ever living; meanwhile Amy herself has to live life everyday knowing that she will never truly live up to the Hopes. That she has to try everyday to be the best she can be. Her very birth was mired in the expectation of a perfect child; given that she was practically a gift from the heavens to her parents.

This sets up Amy’s perfectionism, as the childhood experience of never living up to a projected ideal led her to want to be perfect (and as we’ll later see, the expectation that everyone else is too), to live life always through the gaze of another. Evidently this leads to a loss of one’s inner essence, one’s individuality and sense of self.

>“-I’d never really felt like a person, because I was always a product” (Book Quote)

Amy’s obsession with personas can be seen as emerging from this, as she adapts a personality depending on who she’s interacting with, as to always be the most appealing she can, she is Amazing Amy after all.

>”I’m not sure, exactly, how to be Dead Amy. I’m trying to figure out what that means for me, what I become for the next few months. Anyone, I suppose, except people I’ve already been: Amazing Amy. Preppy ’80s Girl. Ultimate-Frisbee Granola and Blushing Ingenue and Witty Hepburnian Sophisticate. Brainy Ironic Girl and Boho Babe (the latest version of Frisbee Granola). Cool Girl and Loved Wife and Unloved Wife and Vengeful Scorned Wife. Diary Amy.” (Book Quote)

This general attitude leads to people trying to impress her as she places herself as someone special and especially someone to keep around. She entices both the characters and viewers of the film through her manufactured charisma and enchantment. However, we’ll see this dramatically backfire in her relationship with Nick, just you wait!

For now we can focus on the beginning of their relationship as well as what I believe to be Amy’s view on romance.

I believe that Amy has an impossibly high standard of love, one that stems from her perfectionism and general inability to let down her guise of being amazing. Not to mention how her parents were a perfect match, Amy even referring to them as soul-mates.

>”They have no harsh edges with each other, no spiny conflicts, they ride through life like conjoined jellyfish—expanding and contracting instinctively, filling each other’s spaces liquidly. Making it look easy, the soul-mate thing.” (Book Quote)

In her childhood it’s implied that she was into romance novels, specifically Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, which obviously contributes to the idealization of romance, of a literal scripted love.

>”You were an alienated teen and only Elizabeth Bennet understood you”

I think this little quote is incredibly indicative; it establishes a sense of alienation, of Amy never quite fitting in and blending with others.

>”So many lessons and opportunities and advantages, and they never taught me how to be happy. I remember always being baffled by other children. I would be at a birthday party and watch the other kids giggling and making faces, and I would try to do that too, but I wouldn’t understand why. I would sit there with the tight elastic thread of the birthday hat parting the pudge of my underchin, with the grainy frosting of the cake bluing my teeth, and I would try to figure out why it was fun.” (Book Quote)

Back to the topic of romance, through these stories it allowed her to imagine her perfect romance: if Amy could find that one person that truly understood her, beyond the illusion, that then would constitute a perfect union of love. She does deep down (whether consciously or not) want to be loved for who she is; not the idealized, palatable, literal marketed version of herself. Thus she holds trust as a premium, expecting that if she does the Herculean task of unspooling and revealing herself to another, that the other person would love her no matter what.

>”Can you imagine, finally showing your true self to your spouse, your soul mate, and having him not like you?” (Book Quote)

However all of this culminates in an impossibly high standard of a lover, of a practically divine mythical love; where one loves totally and absolutely. Of course where this neurosis is most demonstrated is in Nick and Amy’s relationship.

Amy comments that after meeting Nick she finally felt like a person as he brought out a side of herself that hadn’t been seen, in her own words “a lightness and an ease”, something that Amy enjoyed. In her eyes they had the perfect relationship in the beginning, Nick was her compliment with the witty banter, with their inside jokes, and charm.

However this doesn’t just vanquish her childhood neuroses, through her desire to be seen as perfect, she modifies herself to be a “cool girl” for Nick, complying endlessly to standards to maintain this perception.

>” When I met Nick Dunne, I knew he wanted a cool girl and for him, I’ll admit, I was willing to try.”

Amy essentially became Nick’s image of a perfect girl, witty, fun, and most of all easy-going and forgiving.

Yet one cannot live forever in images and ideas; and as such, the real, true Amy emerged. The Amy that cares too much, that’s hard to get along with, that is a controlling perfectionist. She also tests Nick through the treasure hunts, weaving in little details about their relationship as to challenge Nick and hope that he remembers the things they do together as deeply as she does. Combined with the 2008 recession and declining health of Nick’s mother (the consequences of which will be explored later). As well as Nick’s growing dissatisfaction in the relationship (evidenced by his worsening performances in the treasure hunts, the cheating, using her for sex and ignoring her otherwise, etc). The illusion both Nick and Amy were living in crumbled; they couldn’t possibly sustain their relationship as they were both striving to fulfill reciprocating images for the other.

One of the biggest parts of her character is Amy’s elitism and entitlement, in which she thinks of herself as someone superior, someone that deserves to be loved absolutely for who she is, although only to people she considers worthy.

>”She’s easy to like. I’ve never understood why that’s considered a compliment—that just anyone could like you.” (Book Quote)

Once again this stems from her childhood, in a seemingly contradictory way, she also sees herself as special for being the one that survived from her mother’s attempts, as well as the fact that her birth was so tumultuous that she would be an only child. From this also stems her entitlement for love.

Amy actively looks down upon women she considers “average”, whom she sees as coming from mediocrity and continuously perpetuating that in their lives. She scoffs at them with her wealthy parents and NYC background until her marriage with Nick crumbles. Only then does she realize that she’s become the very woman she would previously disdain. A woman with a failing marriage, the loss of her previous wealth following the recession, and moving to a failed development in Missouri (What the hell’s in Missouri?) for Nick’s mother.

I truly believe this, combined with Nick’s infidelity, and most importantly the loss of her idyllic love culminated in the iconic Gone Girl plan.

>”Nick took and took from me until I no longer existed, that’s murder. Let the punishment fit the crime”.

Nick took Amy’s identity, her sense of self that she so generously revealed to him and rejected her. Implying that she would only be loved if played the role of the “cool girl”; stripping her of who she really was, losing herself in yet another persona. Although Amy admits she doesn’t really have a personality and lives through personas, she still has a semblance of self that she holds dear.

>”-made me realize that there was a Real Amy in there, and she was so much better, more interesting and complicated and challenging, than Cool Amy”. (Book Quote)

Worse yet, Nick had cheated on her with a “newer, younger, bouncer Cool Girl”, leaving Amy in the dust, surely damaging her pride.

But Amy truly fell in love with her idealized version of Nick, believing that she was responsible for shaping that version of Nick. That she deserved that man in his entirety, of course what gets Amy to come back to Nick is the Sharon Scheiber interview, in which he promises to make up with Amy in just the way that makes her think that Nick is the one person who gets her. He makes the little references to their inside jokes (2 fingers on the chin when they’re not bullshitting the other) and a reference to the end of the treasure hunt (always a contentious issue in their relationship). She’s reminded of who he was, that he was once perfect for her, who else could know how to appeal to her heart in just the right way? With the same passion and conviction she reverses the judgment on Nick, clawing her way back to him. She does so in an especially brutal manner, slashing Desi’s throat with a boxcutter right after he climaxes. Putting aside my enormous personal bias against Desi, he was technically an innocent man, taking a great risk in sheltering Amy. However it’s clear that Amy sees him as merely an asset and something to be disposed of once he serves his value, as another prop in her ever evolving masterplan; she did string him along for years through their letter correspondences. He was just another casualty in Amy’s search for idyllic love. She comes back dramatically, literally falling into Nick’s arms while still covered in Desi’s blood like a dress; fabricating an elaborate story about a love obsessed former boyfriend kidnapping and violating her. Despite the glaring holes in her whole story (If Amy’s marriage was as bad as she made it out to be, why did she go back to Nick so easily? How did she get access to a knife and kill him so seamlessly? Why didn’t Amy do anything when she discovered the stuff in Margo’s shed? etc), law enforcement, media, and the public all fully believe it, infatuated with the persona and narrative that Amy’s created for herself. In the end she traps Nick into the marriage and eventually, the family. The last shot of the film is a haunting recall to the beginning shot of the film, as Amy has both revealed and secured herself to be the master of the narrative, finally obtaining her perfect love, no matter what the cost may have been.

Conclusion

Through a constant demand in Amy’s childhood emerges a need for perfection, simultaneously bringing about a sense of superiority and entitlement. The use of personas and façades facilitate this, painting Amy as the most amazing cool girl for whomever she’s performing for, to feed her need to be seen as perfect and desirable. Yet there emerges a psychological detachment from others; as the need to perform inevitably leads to an internal hollowness. However underneath all these layers there also lies the true Amy who has the deep unconscious desire of wanting to be loved absolutely, to have a perfect union of love where she can reveal herself fully and be loved for who she is truly.

>disclaimer for tumblr lol, this is not me trying to claim Amy was innocent I am fully aware that she’s a terribly entitled and narcissistic person but she can still be complex and have relatable desires & be a person even if she’s massively fucked up!!

[sheepydwagondraws]

Newest collage! Mostly ruminating on the trans experience with some really lovely stickers from @kiitoskiitos !

I really really enjoyed their zine, Mutilation Grindset, and would definitely recommend picking it up if you can or looking at the pages they posted on their blog :D

[thelastgoldfish]

i need to be inside their skin and i need to be enveloped by their organs- i need to be swallowed whole and to be held and most of all i need us to fall into one another to such an exponential amount that we cannot tell where you end and i begin ; if either of us even begin or end at all

[un-hinges]

I’ve gotten so used to not being able to see you everyday, so used to it that I can hope and go through days just fine without you here. I can be alone or with friends and I would be happy. But when I suddenly see couples together laughing, looking into each others eyes, smiling, cuddling, or even simply holding hands; that’s when I suddenly don’t feel strong and my heart starts to ache and I feel like breaking down. I try to stay strong everyday, I mean, that’s what I’ve been doing for all this time but I’m always going to see a couple and wish you were here with me, right next to me. It sucks, it sucks so much that I can’t hug, see, or just simply be with the person I love so much but this is a decision that we both made and I don’t regret it. Distance was how we found each other. Distance will never separate us emotionally.

[hide-in-imagination]

Me allowing myself questionable sentence structure choices: IF A PUBLISHED AUTHOR CAN DO IT, I CAN TOO

[amateur-scribbler]

I wish he was the right guy.

I wish it was the right time.

I wish he was different.

I wish he had truly been mine.

I wish the better he hoped I would find, was with him and not with some other guy.

I wish we had been better, that we were the kind of love that makes you believe that stars truly can align.

I wish he wasn’t just another guy in a long line, the next to step up will be fleeting because I still dream of his eyes.

I wish for more and I know it’s what I deserve, and I know there are those who would offer that love, on a silver platter it would be served.

I wish he realised I loved him like the sun loves the clouds; he was a blanket of comfort that shielded me from the scorching self-destruction that I often sought out.

I wish it had been us.

I wish it had been him and I.

I wish that when he thought of home my smile was the vision that came to mind.

I throw coins in fountains wishing for these things but, truly I wish I could erase this want to pull at every one of our threads that hang like loose strings.

I wish I could forget him and every single of one our what ifs. Most of all, I wish that for me, invasive thoughts of him would no longer persist.

the wishing well - t.k.o

[soul-struck]

life feel so. spinny sometimes. everything is always spinning, weaving, like we're all threads tied on a loom that god operates. one of those ancient, old-timey ones, in which all you can hear is the creaking of the wood as it goes forward, back, forward, back. rhythm of the world, of our lives. we go to work, we come back. we travel to another city, we come back. we retrace our steps to find what we lost. we always end up right back where we started, no matter how hard we try to move foward.

you can't see the individual pixels that make up these words in front of you, just like how we can't see the fact that we are all torn, cloth-like, unfinished things hanging off a loom that god operates when she desires. is death when we're finally completed, a tapestry of colours and memories and life hung up on an elaborate, endless wall in god's bedroom for her sheer entertainment?

a thread. a memory. an experience. they're all the same. they're all a little, one-millionth fraction of who you are. i try to think of that, sometimes, of how "who we are" is impossible to calculate by even a supercomputer. you can't count all the fractions of you. we live in these bodies so sure of ourselves and who we are because if we think too hard the incredulity of our existence is far too much to bear.

[heartoflesh]

I feel the years fleeting and I envy youth. They go camping and skiing. They go swimming in lakes and out for ice cream on Tuesday afternoons, living tightly knit together until someday they realize their romantic feelings for each other, reminiscing on all the memories they've created in each other's lives,

and I... I have nothing but these binoculars, looking on from the shadows of all these trees. I am far from them. I am so far from you— excluded from a world I wanted so desperately to be a part of.

Excerpts from a book I'll never write, William

[poet-with-a-quill]

I used to have words to describe myself. Smart. Pretty. Night owl. Now, in their place, nothing remains. Worse still, ugly words come to fill in the gaps. Each night, I go to bed feeling like the day has taken something from me. I try to soothe the hollow parts of me to sleep, as if they have not been robbed. I used to have words to describe myself, now I am inexpressible, unutterable, a void.

-shums/What it was like back then/ Excerpt from a book I want to write about 2020